Being a Good Mother

It's the most important job on earth. From the National Catholic Register:

“It is my belief that it is best for a child to have his mother as his primary caregiver and for her to be emotionally and physically present for as much of his first three years as possible.”

Komisar acknowledges that making such a statement is controversial and that there are very few people who want to talk about what is truly best for children. She sees the effects of maternal absence on children as a major social issue of our time. Among other things, Komisar cites evidence that a mother’s nurturing presence in a child’s early years helps brain development and offers a greater chance of being emotionally secure. “The capacity to develop in a healthy manner, to regulate stress, to balance emotions, and to feel for another human being begins with mothers,” she writes.

Of course, mere physical presence isn’t enough: mothers must be emotionally present, too. In a society addicted to multi-tasking, Komisar writes that giving a child your divided attention – talking on a cellphone, reading text messages, checking the internet – is not being emotionally present. In her experience, it’s rare to see someone pushing a stroller or baby carriage who isn’t talking on a cellphone at the same time.

Komisar acknowledges that financial concerns are a huge issue for many women when deciding whether to return to work after the birth of a child. But she encourages them to consider whether those financial resources are needed or wanted. “Your baby does not care if she has a bigger room or a Florida vacation; what she wants is you and the safety and security of being in your presence,” she writes. Committing to having children, she says, should mean committing to making sacrifices. For mothers who must work, Komisar offers suggestions on everything from how to make the most of time spent together, to how to handle saying goodbye in the morning and reuniting later, and what questions to ask potential substitute caregivers.

In her 24 years of work as a psychoanalyst, social worker and parent guidance expert, Komisar has treated both adults and children for a variety of ailments, from behavioral and developmental issues, to depression, anxiety and addictions of every kind. “From my firsthand professional observation,” she writes, “I have come to understand the connections between these symptoms and disorders and the emotional and physical absence of young children’s mothers in their day-to-day lives.” Mothers often come to her because their children are having social, behavioral and developmental issues. Komisar believes that in many cases, those symptoms are related to “the premature separation of children from their mothers.” (Read more.)

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